sthiti dehi, shakti dehi

Forty-eight minutes. The concluding twenty-four minutes of Ashtami (the 8th lunar day of the Debipokkho) added to the first twenty-four minutes of Nabami (the 9th lunar day of the Debipokkho) make up the Mahasandhikkhon - the auspicious blend of minutes that recounts the Chamunda version of the Goddess. Chamunda is said to be the only Shakti/power born out of the goddess while all the other Matrikas (manifestations of the Goddess) are born out of gods and resemble them in some way or the other. Well that's what David Kinsley's version is.

The Sandhipujo itself is a celebration of junctures, of break-ins and new beginnings. Further, Chamunda worship in this phase often leads me to think about the various moods that the Goddess encompasses.How does she manage to turn on one mood and switch from one to the other effortlessly? How does she handle the pressure of shifting moods? Or, does she feel no pressure at all? True, all these questions make the Goddess essentially humane. But that's exactly where I want to reach. 

Humanising the figurines that we are supposed to worship often gives me power/shakti to deal with mortal situations. The imagery of the Goddess appears to be the various moods/ responsibilities that a woman is engaged in. Taking it a step further, i wish to understand how She shifts from one form to the other. The how of it seems unanswerable. For She is a goddess and a goddess can do anything. However, it is the 'how' of it that is important to me.

Being a patient of bipolar mood disorder (BMD) I have my highs and my lows. I guess, that is pretty natural with most of us. That doesn't make everyone a patient of BMD. My highs are full of activity, creative outputs and action. My lows reach the level of manic depression. The shifts from one stage to another are anything but smooth. They affect not only me, but also the people surrounding me. 

During my low phase, it becomes a Promethean task to be normal, forget about being happy. The people surrounding me become deeply scarred by each of such phases. That again affects me, raising guilt feelings which doesn't help in shifting the mood.

During the high phases , what can be termed as hypomania, i am in a phase of hyperactivity. The problem with it is that it can evolve into mania or switch to serious depression. So, being supremely happy or increased activity is also not a boon.

I feel that issues of mental health are not talked about in our societies. They are still hushed conversations in doctor's chambers or self-help groups. Fearlessly identifying myself as a patient of mental health took me years. This disclosure may put many to unrest, specially my caregivers. One of them, even expressed the concern that what if i receive negative comments, can i handle them? Truth be told, yes i can. i can turn my back to shallow comments and negativity, in spite of the fact that i am currently going through a difficult phase. It is thanks to my partner and to my family, that i get the strength to go on, to take one day at a time. 

While we worship the different representations of the Goddess, we turn a blind eye to the mental health patients who suffer from personality and mood disorders. When change manifested in the Goddess can create positive emotions, the mental health patients require an affirmation that they too can change and have positive emotions. They need plenty of courage to believe better days are ahead of them. 

Mental illnesses are not eerie, weird things to be shunned under the carpet. They are illnesses much like your heart disease and stomach ache. As Nabami festivities continue, i wish that may the festive spirit extends our consciousness of courage to accept and to support that which is unstable and an illness after all.